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Desire in Context

There's more to desire than you think! 

Get horny! Get wet! Get off!


That was easy! But it's actually not, is it? Fuck!

Well, that's exactly what you WANT to want to do, but you’re just not feeling it! In fact, thinking about it makes you feel frustrated...sad...angry...resentful...SIGH.

I feel you! Been there, done (well, NOT done) that!

When we think about desire, we think about just going on about the day and BOOM! It just happens. You want sex and are ready to have it. That’s SPONTANEOUS desire. And some people - about 75% of men and 15% of womxn* - do experience it that way.

So what about everybody else? Well, some - approximately 5% of men and 30% of womxn - experience RESPONSIVE desire. People who follow this pattern of desire need something to respond to. Rather than it “just happening,” it takes time. It’s a gradual build up. Something sexy happens and THEN the desire comes on board.

But what about all the people - more than 50% of womxn! - who don’t fit into those two categories? Well, they have a combination of the two and it depends on context.

Yep! That’s right. CONTEXT MATTERS, my friends!

And, let’s be honest, intuitively, you know this. You know that when you are stressed the fuck out, having a shit day, and just broke your favorite coffee mug that the last thing you want to do is get laid -unless stress makes you horny, which it does for some people. But we aren’t talking about that right now.

So, now that you know this, I want you to stop judging yourself and stop feeling like there is something wrong with you. It’s very likely that there is nothing wrong, it’s more that there are things that aren’t just right!

I’m not saying that there NEVER is something wrong. There absolutely could be health concerns like heart disease, depression, diabetes, peri-menopause, menopause, etc. All of those can play a role in your sexual response and should be addressed. AND it’s still important to understand your desire pattern.

So take a minute to stop and think about your pattern? Where does it fit on this spectrum? What context gets your motor running and what shuts it down?

*Statistics as cited in Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D.

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